Back with a Heart Attack!

Many of my loyal readers have been inquiring about the continuation of my thrilling entries to this seemingly retired blog. Well wait no more little ones! The blog is back! And what better inspiration than the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Many of you may not watch this show for a number of reasons. I understand the show sheds an unbearable negative light on the possibly all Americans, but mostly just the people cast in the show, by exposing their lack of intelligence, total disregard to others, total disregard to relevant (important?) world issues, and a shallow obsession with themselves and worldly goods. This is only a small sampling of a shmorgisbord of reasons why readers refuse to watch this show. I am here to tell you: YOU’RE MISSING OUT! While the conclusions you’ve drawn are true, you are simply denying yourself the pleasure of shear intensity.

And let’s face it, the people that don’t watch this show probably fucking love Law & Order. Haven’t you caught onto the trend yet? They get it wrong at least once, its never the person they lead you to believe at first, and they always crack the case within the hour. So if they’re going to trail at minute 27, you know they haven’t got their guy yet. How predictable. Don’t you yearn for truly unpredictable and outlandish events? Dialog that is so offensive/unintelligent/threatening/insane that no writer could’ve possibly fathomed the ideas from pen to paper.

I have to tell you, the premeier episode nearly gave me a heart attack. I was physically ill, the tension was so palpable. At one point some Italian juice head was quoted as saying “I’m gonna fucking kill everyone of yous.” Woa...what? And for those of you who watch the show, you know exactly what I’m talking about: the Christening. Yes, my fellow viewers: this week, all of the despicable behavior happened right under God’s roof. I can hear angels singing and flapping their little wings as Joe Giudice bull rushed brother-in-law Joe Gorga while his god daughter/niece cries in agony to stop the fighting while middle aged women in their Sunday best struggle to maintain stable footing as they attempt to tear the two fathers apart. Thank you Jesus...thank you.

I am so glad Bravo brilliantly cast the extended Gorda family this season. I didn’t think they could top that loon bag Danielle, but they’ve really outdone themselves. Side note: Jaqueline’s daughter is a fucking brat. Grow some substance.
This season can only get better, and I’ve already almost had a heart attack, not to mention watched the Gorda father have a heart attack. Its difficult to find words to describe the excitement I’m feeling for this season. But until next time kids, this has been Rachel on Reality.

Reality Rant

Did you ever feel like your tolerance for people is so low that you could just snap out on someone SO profoundly that leaving the repercussions would undoubtedly have karmic, public, or judicial reprimand which would proceed longer than your car payments? For instance, right now I'm at the library because a) I don't have reasonably responsive internet at my house, b) I don't have a scanner and c) my company frowns upon using their resources for my personal gain. So here I am, trying to scan my license because the car dealership forgot to and I need to e-mail it to them. Why am I writing and not scanning? Because some BITCH is scanning an entire book on the scanner! Yes an act of undeniable copyright fraud and outright disregard for the remaining patron's use of the scanner. So here I sit and burn her with my eyes while typing vigorously on the computer. I am pissed off people. I am in a long string of pissed off!!

You know what else? I don't have cable any more! So all my shows are streamed slowly through a neighbors internet or from someone else's home. And I have little time for reflection when people like my brother, my father, and Franz are yammering in the background about the shows' lack of substance and the meaning of reality! So I need to take this time to explain something to everyone. Reality television is a unique social commentary. It is not a documentary. And yes, it is reality. Does my reality differ from your reality? You tell me. Do directors play some part in the manipulation of the characters? yes. Do people act differently when they're being watched? Hell yes. But guess what, everyone is manipulated by an array of driving forces in their life and your choice of behavior does not alter your reality. And it is a fucking law of physics that the very act of observation changes that, which is being observed. So please, you can hate on reality TV all you want. Watch it, don't watch it, I don't care. But the next time I have to hear some idiot babble on about the substance and veracity of the program I am not only going to snap out and publicly shame you more vigorously than illegal obnoxious scanner girl, I am also going to refer you to this excerpt. Scanner's free. I better go. Until next time, this has been Rachel's "rant" on reality.

The Real Housewives of NYC: Really?

So I'm at the library. I have to study for a final and the guy next to me has a serious stench, it is possible he is homeless but I am afraid to observe him more closely for further clues of living standards because he may be a loose cannon. But, his odor is uncannily similar to that of a dumpster. So, I will make this brief.

Last night was the RH of NY finale. Throughout the past two episodes, I have most often repeated the phrase: "What the hell is wrong with you?". For instance, Lu Anne really thinks she is well equipped to perform and produce music? I suppose if Kim (RH of Atlanta) can do it then a monkey can do it. And those lyrics are some kind of eerie subtle torture device. They are painfully lame, but catchy. After extended hours of exposure, it would be possible to lose your mental stability. For that LuAnne, shut the hell up! What the hell is wrong with you?

Some other, "What the hell..." behaviors: Jill has conjured ill conceived notions that she is an ice skater. Too bad she fell on her ass immediately after entering the ice rink. Ramona seems to be reverting back to her newlywed years by renewing her wedding vows after seventeen years, a time that even her daughter admits is inappropriate. Although I am a sucker for wedding vows, this particular affair just seems vainly planned in coordination with production of the show and does not help this basket of crazy. I would take this time to tear into Kelly, but it would just be too easy. She graduated from an ivy league? My mind is blown.

Speaking of graduating, this week is not only the final chapter of many of my favorite reality tv series (Tough Love: Couples), but it is also the end of a chapter in my life. My career at Ohio State is ending in the upcoming week. I honestly just can't believe it will soon be over. I've had five years here to experience my own "What the hell..." behaviors, and even though I've made more mistakes than I'd like to admit, I have very few regrets. I don't know if my life will ever be as full of joy as it has been these past five years. I am terrified to leave this fantasy fun factory. I would go further, but tears are just completely inappropriate at the library. Until next time, this has been Rachel on Reality.

Tough Love Couples:Watch it and Weep

I know the world has been waiting with breath abated for my next entry. Lately I have just been so discouraged with myself due to unsuccessful job searching and a lack of any real tangible accomplishments, it is difficult to give a damn about anything. But, you better believe I have continued to watch reality TV with the same gusto you would expect from an enthusiast like myself. And the Tough Love Couples Finale is just the fuel to light my fire again!

In a previous entry I boldly and openly stated my views about each of the couples. Luckily Dustin and Courtney (The High School Sweethearts) must have been reading my blog because they took my advice and called it quits. More accurately, Courtney called it quits by choosing not to wear a wedding dress during the final task. The contestants were asked to get engaged or break up, and Steve was not kidding! I think Courtney finally realized her relationship was continuing out of the fear of being alone, which is a completely legitimate concern, but certainly no way to live your life. So I have to commend you Courtney for being your own women and having the strength to stand on your own. Too bad you wasted eight years of your life getting there.

Fortunately, Courtney and Dustin were the only couple who did not get engaged. As each man dropped down on one knee, I was overwhelmed with emotion and could not hold back my tears! It is easy to forget men harbor kind and loving emotions. Typically, men are incapable of expressing emotion and I remain unconvinced some of them feel anything at all. But, apparently there are rare and shining moments when some men can throw their inhibitions to the wind and completely commit themselves to one woman forever. I’m telling you I could not control my tears. All of their speeches were incredibly beautiful, but I wanted to include Pawel’s proposal to Danielle.

“Ever since our worlds collided, you have showed me what it is to make it in this planet, on this world. You have never judged me you have always been supportive of me. My entire world revolves as a result of your love. I want to spend my last breathe on this planet telling you how deeply in love I am with you. And I hope we can spend eternity together. And I really hope you will spend the rest of your life with me.” At this point he gets down on bended knee and asks, “Will you marry me.” I almost forgot this proposal was not to me. I have watched it several times and it still brings tears to my eyes.

I definitely want my future husband to propose on one knee. I can’t believe that tradition stuck considering the subservient nature of the gesture. Considering most of the men I fall for are hard headed, unyielding, and relentless, it would be serious juxtaposition of personality and power. Not to mention it goes against the male dominance stereotypes society has perpetuated. Maybe I’m reading too far into this, but it seems like relinquishing that power in an attempt to commit yourself to one woman forever is overwhelmingly powerful. I’m grateful I was invited to watch this most memorable moment of these couples’ lives. Until next time, this has been Rachel on Reality.

Kendra: Living in the Crotch of Luxury

Let me just start by saying that I love Kendra and Hank! They are the most adorable couple. They have fun together; they’re always laughing and making me laugh. I think this may have a lot to do with Hank, because he is the sweetest guy I’ve never met in my life. Strangely, I also like Kendra. My parents would hate that I like her. She kicked a coke habit at sixteen, then became a stripper, got a boob job, and shacked up with some old pervert she’d only met once because he was a multimillionaire. Considering her poor choices, irritating laugh, and lack of intelligence, I still really like her. She seems happy. She’s laid back and she loves deeply, even if it is some wrinkly twisted old man and his other girlfriends.

This episode was especially telling since this stripper turned celebrity is now shopping for furniture and staff to fill her multimillion dollar home. First they have to hire an interior designer to do everything for them, because Kendra would sooner sleep on a mattress and live out of cardboard boxes before she went shopping to furnish the home. Also, she didn’t even help find the house. Bridgette went house searching for her and ended with a detailed report. So basically, Kendra does nothing. I’m lazy too, but spending money to swag your home seems like fun to me.

Kendra doesn’t feel comfortable with the extravagance the designers are suggesting. This was obvious when she began humping Hank’s leg when they were in the show room laying on the brown suede sofa, which surely costs more than a year of my tuition. Sweetheart, you belong at Lay-Z-Boy or Levin’s, not whatever abstract modern shop they’ve brought you to.

While at the staffing agency, they discover that if you’re rich you can hire people to do just about anything for you! Among a long list of staff, Kendra expresses her desperate need for a security guard after the Super Bowl fiasco. She wants a large intimidating male, while Hank wants a stealthy covert ninja woman. Now Hank, I can understand why you would want a staff member with these skills. In the event of a zombie attack, a killer ninja would be a valuable tool to maintain your survival. Zombie attacks are very unpredictable and this type of training could allow her to strategically attack and decapitate the undead. But, in the more likely event of the drunk and dangerous heckling your family, you will want someone who will reduce the likelihood of a confrontation with his unapproachable demeanor. Maybe for big events you could contract the muscle and for daily activities you could salary the ninja. That would be the optimal choice.

While Kendra and Hank are very entertaining and lovable, I can’t help but feel confused by her monetary gain. How did that happen? It goes against my ethical boundaries, but who would’ve thought buying a pair of boobs and living off of some old guy’s money for sex would bring you so much fame and wealth. It is mildly disappointing, but they are hard to dislike and they keep me watching, so I’m technically a proponent by viewer support. In any event, I should be worried about my own future. I better get a job soon! Until next time, this is Rachel on Reality.

Tough Love Couples: Entering a Broken Home

Most days I regret being single. I see all those disgustingly happy couples on the oval holding hands and kissing, completely infatuated with each other, and it makes me sick. It really brings me down because then I start to think, “Oh ya, no one likes me.” I just want to throw things at them like an enraged fan from an opposing team. You are the enemy! You must be destroyed! But then I watched Tough Love: Couples and I remembered all the misery of being in a relationship. I mean these people are messed up! They found the most dysfunctional couples and made an hour-long misery montage which documented a compilation of all their issues. I felt like I was entering a broken home on a train derailed to divorce.

Some of these couples haven’t even had sex in months. Paul and Danielle are one example. She blames his mega metro attitude. In that case, why bother staying together? You aren’t attracted to him and no ones getting laid. GET OUT! Get out now! Its clear some of these couples are tolerating their poor relationships out of the fear of exiting the comfort zone established from the stability of being in a relationship. They know if they break up, they’ll have to be single like me! Wrestling with the uncertainty of the future.

The best example of this “fear of being single” dynamic is “The High-school Sweethearts” (Dustin and Courtney). We all know you don’t like each other any more. You admit you live like roommates. This might be acceptable if you were 45, but you’re too young for the relationship to have gone old. I know they’ve been dating for 8 years, but maybe they should react to this uncertainty they are feeling and stop playing it so safe. Live a little!

The foil to this couple would have to be Mario and Christina: “The Mistrutfuls”. This couple seems like they came straight from the Jersey shore house. Steve even had to comment on Christina’s trashy demeanor. Ouch! And Mario confessed he had a happy ending from some sleazy massage parlor. He also admits he can’t imagine having sex with only one person for the rest of his life. Woa! Red flag! This man is not yet marriage material. He probably won’t be ready to settle down for another ten years when he’s in his late 30’s. Which is a shame, because I actually think these two are good together. Maybe Steve can have a talk with Mario’s penis and they can all work through their issues together.

So I wonder why these couples bother staying together. Then I saw Dennis and Simone exchanging their mock wedding vows and I couldn’t help but shed a tear. I couldn’t believe Dennis was crying when he saw Simone walk down the isle in a wedding dress. And then I remember how hard it is to find someone you love that truly loves you back. It is so rare to find that connection, so incredibly rare. I’m a fan of numbers so let me put it this way: I’ve been enrolled at a school with 50,000 people for 5 years and I have not once been in a loving relationship. So I understand that when you find a relationship that works, you both have to work to make it work. Lots of work… such is life. Nothing good comes easy. But luckily, I’ve found a late-night lover I can always count on, REALITY TV! Ha ha! Catch ya later kids.

Survivor: Why are the Heroes so Dumb?

There are many, many reality shows that came on last week that I could write about. But 16 and Preggos was boring, Real Housewives was predictable, and I haven't watched the newest Celebrity Apprentice yet. Survivor, on the other hand, was a true display of idiotic behavior.

Throughtout the past two seasons, Russell has been a true Villianous force. He has been spinning delicate webs of lies nonstop. Strangely enough, in this case Russell's retreival of the immunity icon had NOTHING to do with him! I swear he has some supernatural dark force working on his side. First he finds the immunity idol with NO CLUE last season, now this. It started with the Heroes imagining that the women had a strong alliance on the Villian side. What a joke! Russell is the neck turning the Villians head. He is running the show over there and picking off male power players like Rob. It ended with JT secretly giving his immunity icon to Russell, the lone male on the Villians team, in an effort to sway him to Heroes side to build the numbers after a forseeable merge. In reality, JT just sealed the fate of the Heroes team into complete exile. The Villian team is just too strong now. I'm glad this sexist thinking is now eating away at the Heroe team like a silent cancer. You can't win this game making uneducated moves like this one.

Little does Russell know, Parvati has found an immunity icon of her own after a clue fell into her lap at the reward dinner. She has a real shot of winning this game again. I don't know if Russell can cover his lies and decete enough for a jury to vote him the winner. The merge will be a very telling episode to foreshadow the future of these players. But, right now the heroes are doomed by their own making.

-Rachel on reality signing off