Many of my loyal readers have been inquiring about the continuation of my thrilling entries to this seemingly retired blog. Well wait no more little ones! The blog is back! And what better inspiration than the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Many of you may not watch this show for a number of reasons. I understand the show sheds an unbearable negative light on the possibly all Americans, but mostly just the people cast in the show, by exposing their lack of intelligence, total disregard to others, total disregard to relevant (important?) world issues, and a shallow obsession with themselves and worldly goods. This is only a small sampling of a shmorgisbord of reasons why readers refuse to watch this show. I am here to tell you: YOU’RE MISSING OUT! While the conclusions you’ve drawn are true, you are simply denying yourself the pleasure of shear intensity.
And let’s face it, the people that don’t watch this show probably fucking love Law & Order. Haven’t you caught onto the trend yet? They get it wrong at least once, its never the person they lead you to believe at first, and they always crack the case within the hour. So if they’re going to trail at minute 27, you know they haven’t got their guy yet. How predictable. Don’t you yearn for truly unpredictable and outlandish events? Dialog that is so offensive/unintelligent/threatening/insane that no writer could’ve possibly fathomed the ideas from pen to paper.
I have to tell you, the premeier episode nearly gave me a heart attack. I was physically ill, the tension was so palpable. At one point some Italian juice head was quoted as saying “I’m gonna fucking kill everyone of yous.” Woa...what? And for those of you who watch the show, you know exactly what I’m talking about: the Christening. Yes, my fellow viewers: this week, all of the despicable behavior happened right under God’s roof. I can hear angels singing and flapping their little wings as Joe Giudice bull rushed brother-in-law Joe Gorga while his god daughter/niece cries in agony to stop the fighting while middle aged women in their Sunday best struggle to maintain stable footing as they attempt to tear the two fathers apart. Thank you Jesus...thank you.
I am so glad Bravo brilliantly cast the extended Gorda family this season. I didn’t think they could top that loon bag Danielle, but they’ve really outdone themselves. Side note: Jaqueline’s daughter is a fucking brat. Grow some substance.
This season can only get better, and I’ve already almost had a heart attack, not to mention watched the Gorda father have a heart attack. Its difficult to find words to describe the excitement I’m feeling for this season. But until next time kids, this has been Rachel on Reality.
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Excellent work Rachel. My sole critique is that the correct spelling is "Smörgåsbord". I added your blog to my speed dial, so update frequently or it'll be replaced by google maps.
ReplyDeleteThe careless writing notwithstanding, I enjoy this thought provoking blog. I, however, take issue with your mischaracterization of the Law & Order franchise. You are basing your commentary of a small sample of episodes mainly one I made you watch three days ago. These generalizations are incorrect and blatantly erroneous. In addition, I take umbrage for the thinly veiled assualt on my tastes. I will not allow this malignity to stand and will refute any further attempts to assassinate my rectitude.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, I do pray that we as a nation give back New Jersey to the British Crown, or Italy, or honestly anyone who will take it.
Franz, I bet you think this blog is about you. Don't you? Don't you? And I should include that I insult my own tastes. This show is full of morons but I have no shame admitting I love it. Every episode of law and order I've been forced to watch since I was ten was structured that way. Coincidence? I think not.
ReplyDeleteI agree, New Jersey is a lost cause. They wish they were New York which is awesome, except for Staten Island which is a penal colony.